Dude

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PRO at Crastination

Due to the fact that I'm making this list in the seven minutes I have before I leave for school, I can't keep up with the next item on the list of lists right now. So, here's a different one.

3(ish) Websites You Should Reeeally Go Use

1. StumbleUpon

My family often wonders how I find so much cool stuff on the internet, and this is my secret. I accidentally found this website/tool, and I would definitely recommend this to anybody. Seriously. Go follow the link.

2. Khan Academy

Maybe I like this one simply because I enjoy math, but this site is awesome. It takes an activity that most people don't like, and practically turns it into a competition. Log in, do math, get points = badges. Now, you may be thinking something along the lines of, "Badges? Badges?!?! We don't need no stinkin' badges!!" Well, neither did I, but I'm addicted.

3. I Waste So Much Time/Slow Robot

It's true, these sites are very similar to the other sites you can find all over the place (I think... maybe. Reddit? Tumblr?), but I don't use those other websites. Surprisingly, these two sites filter out a lot of the dirty stuff. Also, similarly to all those other places, I go for the comments. Sometimes those can be funnier than the image itself.

Life Update

Yuck. I hate to do this. The very phrase "life update" presents images of sobbing women while watching Jane Austen movies, or the feeling you get when watching Sarah McLaughlin commercials. Guilt and sadness.

Of course, you might not see it this way. Maybe it's just a personal delusion, and I'm being completely unrealistic. I mean, this entire blog was created in a futile and sad attempt to make my life sound interesting. So why should "life updates" be any different?

I think the main reason behind this belief is that my life by itself, holds no real entertainment value. I can hardly force humor and storyline into my dry life, so embellishing makes it more interesting than it actually is. Life updates, in my minds eye, are boring but necessary details I need to share in order to keep friends from places-once-lived up to date.

Alright. Enough stalling.

I've mentioned this before, but due to my present living arrangements, I don't have regular piano access. This is akin to taking a sunflower and putting it in a sensory deprivation chamber, or taking a person and shoving them into a cardboard box with no light or water. Yes, in that order.

I'll try to put in as much time with the ivories as I can when I sluff* off to seminary during lunch, but twenty minutes per day hardly cuts it for me. I need to be doing something with music that isn't listening to Pandora while I edit comics.

*Sluff is the term that students here in Utah use instead of the normal "ditch" or "skip."

I found a guitar in the house. In the Legend of Zelda games when Link opens a large chest, you hear this noise:



This is exactly what I heard in my head when I found the guitar.

Two and a half weeks later, I have the calluses to prove that I'm putting time and effort into that instrument. The only downside that I've been able to identify so far is that when I play the piano, I feel like it can sense that I'm cheating on it with another instrument.

School has started up again. Sadly, this means that on top of the fact that I'm a slacker, I have a limited amount of time to create stuff for you to feed your eyes with (by the way, this is how I'm going to say reading from now on).

If I start to write less than I already don't, I apologize for the inconvenience. I promise I'll try to keep writing, just in case there are a couple people who actually want to read this.

Peace off.

Limerick

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The Pranks/Jerk-Moves of Walmart

5 Ways to Get Thrown Out of Wal-Mart

1. Fake Robbery

Walmart always has a surplus of those plastic grocery sacks. They wouldn't miss just a couple, would they?

Simply grab one or two of the bags. If you have some kind of item on you, such as a wrist watch or chinchilla, put it in the bag. This feat has an extra effect if you're wearing all black and another person with you.

Wave the bag in the air above your head, running for the doors. If you can, make sure it's right by security officers. As you run with the bag over your head, scream phrases such as:

     "We got it!"
     "Run for it!!"
     "You'll never catch me alive, Copper!"

2. Grocery Cart Races

Who HASN'T taken a grocery cart for a spin? I have on many accounts, but only in empty aisles.

To add more of a danger and against-the-rules factor to your escapade, hold your races in the most crowded areas of Walmart you can find. Bonus points if you hit pedestrians!

3. Demoralization

Ok, I'll admit it, this one is slightly cruel. However, I'm sure that it would be pretty awesome.

Step one: locate overly-masculine man, preferably with no wedding or engagement ring.

Step two: make sure he's pushing around a cart.

Step three: when he's not looking, put girly items such as frilly pink ladies underwear, Aphrodite perfume, six packs of glitter, etc.

     Note: this must be done VERY carefully. He cannot notice whatsoever that he has those items in his cart.

Follow him to the cash register, and make sure you're in line behind him. When the cashier gives a weird look or asks the man questions about his odd items, say some witty line. I'm not funny or clever, so I can't give you any, but I trust you can think of something.

4. Milk-Face

To do this one, you'll need some great timing so that you don't get caught before you actually get to pull it off.

You'll need to locate a row of milk that only has one gallon left in it, with that shelf at the average person's eye level.

Go into the refrigerated cold room where the milk is kept in stock.

Get your face and/or arm ready to shove the empty space, but stay out of sight.

Scare the living crap out of somebody when they go to grab their dairy product.

5. Water Clothes

Smuggle in a loaded water gun. Go to the clothing area, doesn't matter if it's male or female.

Clamber inside of one of the ring/square racks of clothes.

Whisper at people the browse the clothes on the ring you are hidden in. Attempt to dissuade them from getting anything on the rack by saying things such as, "Oh, he won't like that," or "Ehh, I'm pretty sure that'll make you look fat."

If they take the item anyways, unceremoniously jump up and spray them. No questions asked. Just DO it.

Nature Hates Me

I had many friends, acquaintances, comrades, amigos, Chinese food vendors, and linguistic experts in Idaho. Being four hundred miles away, naturally, makes it difficult to spend time with any of these individuals.

As I try to adjust to being in Utah once more, I've had to find some form of entertainment that compensates for the distance of those people. I haven't found anything that really make up for the awesome time I've spent with my best of friends in Idaho, but I'm trying to make do with the people here. (Shout out to E.A., J.F., M.R., L.M., N.H., M.E., and M.F.)

The only guy that I've been hanging out with is Benny Generals (NOT his real name). In the past week alone, he's introduced me to bocce ball, lent me a bunch of guitar related paraphernalia, went to the rec center, and most recently, went "camping."

I say "camping" because we didn't actually stay overnight. We went up to the place, hung out for a bit in the wilderness, ate food, and then went home. But in that time, I managed to have an extremely interesting time.

We ate some fried chicken. Yep. 'Murica. Pulled it right out of the box. However, the Greek god Apollo must have been angry, because he plagued the whole camp ground with a swarm of giant bees.

You may think, "Oh, he meant giant swarm, not giant bees." No, I most certainly meant swarm of giant bees.

They were huge. I've seen wasps, and I've seen bees. These were most certainly bees, though they were the size of small children. 

Eager to escape the bees, me and Benny went hiking. We tromped through a meadow, heading for the much more interesting-looking woods. They quickly sloped downwards, and I struggled to keep myself standing instead of sliding.

I'm awful at identifying plants. In a life or death situation, I might be able to tell the difference between a small tree and a large bush, but that's the extent of my knowledge. So as we headed down this hillside, we brushed by numerous plants that were sticky, prickly, or shaped like Tom Selleck's head.

Judging by the rashes, itches, redness, swelling, stinging sensations, and the slight craving for scarce Indian dishes, I assumed that something I touched was poisonous. 

More sliding down the hill ensued. Finally, after stumbling through deer scat, we reached the rocky creek.

The next few minutes were probably best described as parkour. Benny and I leaped like majestic mountain goats, scampering from stone to stone, being redneck ninjas as we avoided the rushing water. 

After half an hour of feeling like a beastly free-running artist, we reached the top of the creek, where it came out of a tiny lake. Benny reached the top before I did.

I heard a loud splash, and immediately thought he fell in. I got up, and he was facing my direction, completely dry. Five feet behind him, however, was a moose. Since I had never seen one up close before, I couldn't tell you if this was a big or small one. For me, it was giga-friggin-ginormous. Me and Benny stood stone-still for a full ten minutes, waiting for it to move on. I didn't know what we were supposed to do! So we just stood, as it quietly looked at us. After Googling it, apparently it didn't show any signs of aggression. None whatsoever.

Thank goodness.

We walked away quickly once it left the area, and made our way back to the campsite.

Question: what is the most logical decision to make after an up-close wildlife encounter? 

Answer: Try to have another one.

This isn't really the best choice, but it's what we did. Last time we had hiked upstream, but this time we chose to go downstream. 

Following the creek downhill was definitely the more difficult way. We had to be mugged by a dead tree in order to go on at some points.

After a particularly rough part of the parkour trail, we decided we did not want to go back that direction. Since it was getting dark, though, we had to find a trail back up the slope.

Benny simply suggested we brave our way through the poisonous plants to get back. No trail was in sight for the next mile, so we took that way. 

The next bit is kind of confusing. In order to get to what-we-thought was a trail, we had to go up the hill... and then back down?

I don't completely understand it still, but it made sense in the moment.

Going down, we had to use our upper body strength to shimmy down these parallel logs. My right arm didn't shimmy the shimmy shimmy-ee enough, and I ended up scraping it up so it looked like I got mauled by a family of adolescent ligers.

After surviving that bit, we actually had to climb the mountain. Despite the apparent presence of many trees, it was mostly saplings and weeds. Because of that, I had to essentially punch my bare fists into the side of the mountain to get some kind of hold on the steep slope.

Yeah, it really wasn't as masculine as I make it sound.

The result of this whole ordeal was learning just how much Mother Nature has it out for me. Conclusion: she hates me.

Hades

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Olympic Sports

     A couple weeks ago, I published a list of lists. I did one list off of it, as per request, and now I'm just working my way down it.

5 Things That Should Become Olympic Sports

1. Grocery Cart Darts

     A little while ago, me and my dad made a late night run to the local grocery store. In terms of cars, the parking lot had next-to-none. This fact opened up a world of possibilities that were otherwise unavailable.

     After loading up our massive amounts of food, my dad had one of those, "Hey, watch what I can do!" moments. Instead of walking the cart to the return spot, two aisles of parking spots away, he decided to simply put it away from where he was. With a massive push and a defective wheel, it silently glided into the return.

     10 points for style.

2. Anything With Bowling Balls

     I think bowling balls are largely underestimated. They can take any tiny-version of a game or sport, and turn it into an event that takes massive amounts of effort. Think of the possibilities! Take soccer, for example. The main challenge in soccer (to my un-athletic-mind) is moving the ball in such a way that you get it past a bunch of people and into a net. With bowling soccer, the challenge would simply be moving the ball!

     Many small games could be scaled up and made to be more difficult than they need to be. Marbles, billiards, bocce ball, etc. It'd be unnecessarily difficult, trivial, completely ridiculous, and flipping awesome to watch.

3. Wheelchair Ski Jumps

     If this was introduced, the handicapped wouldn't have to have their own separate Olympics. Just make a smooth downward slope, and make sure no one dies.

4. Combine Unrelated Events

     I hope I'm not the only one who has wanted to see people playing volleyball on trampolines. Or how about instead of simply throwing a discus, you have to make it go the distance by playing baseball? I'm just saying guys, these would be a great addition.

5. Death by Racquetball

     Pit two people (preferably Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson, but I'll make exceptions) against each other by sticking them in a larger-than-normal racquetball court. Give them each two cricket bats, and then throw in a giant bouncy ball. Have them smack it around until someone loses/dies/gets beaten into submission/makes a Hollywood movie.

Reasons to Hate People

     Me and my little brother had been planning to go to this conference-meeting type of event for the past week or so. He wasn't too ecstatic about participating, but I'd been to things like this before and was ready to go participate in the awesomeness.

     The location and time had been announced, and we were on our way to the building that the event was allegedly to be held in. 

     Our drivers hardly knew where the place was, since they were avoiding the usage of Google Maps like the plague. After meandering around the crowded and confusing Avenues for half an hour, we finally located the building. Not a single car was there. 

     This conference is extremely popular, and draws people in from everywhere within a thirty mile radius. The meeting had been in the works for the past three months, and was highly anticipated by many individuals.

     And there were no cars.

     We banged on all the doors and windows like a zombie horde hyped up on Red Bulls. After finally finding a single door that was open, we found one flier inside that said that the location had changed to a different building across town, and an hour earlier.

     This is my first example.

     I have yet to attain my learners permit, and finally made the trek to the DMV to attain it. I took any online practice test I could find after reading the entirety of the drivers' handbook, and scoured the website for any information that the DMV had on requirements for getting the permit.

     Essentially, the only papers that the website said were required was a copy of your birth certificate, proof of address, and rote memorization of what your SSN is.

     That is what the website said. THIS is what they asked for at the DMV. They wanted the original birth certificate, three proofs of address, your actual social security card, a W-2 form specifically made out to Michael Jackson, six adolescent whales, and your firstborn son. How was I supposed to know?

     I took the walk of shame out of the building, not knowing the requirements of so many sea-mammals and children. Now I need to take an illegal whale hunting spree. This is very inconvenient.

     This is why I don't trust people and their communication skills.
     

Toothbrushes

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Dumb Things Round 2

     I've already done a list about the dumb things I do, which you can go read here if you haven't already. It'll open in a new window, just in case you're one of those weisenheimers that always right clicks to select "new tab."

3 Dumb Things I Did When I Was Younger

1. Failed Bike Ramp

     It was the last day of school of second grade. I was overly exhilarated, feeling that by finishing the second grade, I was well on my way in life. Now, of course, I know that that was a puny hope, which was easily mangled and destroyed.

     I always rode my bike to school, after a couple futile attempts resulting in property damage. I thought I was pretty skilled at it, even though I couldn't ride with one hand. 

     My young mind was surging with adrenaline, now that I would be free of the torturous environment of the second grade classroom.

     I zipped along the main main road, trying to get home as quickly as my little bicycle would carry me. As I went along my merry little way, I noticed a few planks of wood lying on the side of the street.

     The way the topmost plank was laid formed a ramp of sorts, albeit only four inches wide. I had never attempted any sort of extreme thing upon my beloved bike. My mind was addled, so I felt a strong urge to try to ride the redneck ramp, and come off as freakin' awesome to anybody who happened to see me.

     My front wheel slipped off the plank of wood and took a sharp right turn. This resulted in me being propelled forward and off my bike, along the road for a few feet, and then landing on top of the furthest pieces of wood in the road.

     With my amazing luck, a few things happened. Number one, I didn't fall into the road. Another thing was that my bike was unscathed. Lastly, the school nurse or some other faculty member drove by as this happened, and stopped to take my bike and my pathetic crying person home.

2. Scared of Water Slides

     My family took a trip to Lagoon, and I had the opportunity to ride one of the water slides. Despite being young, I had quite a bit of height, which gave me access to a considerably larger number of rides than others my age. 

     I had the opportunity to ride a pretty sweet water slide (by my modern-day standards), and so I had climbed all the way to the top of it. I was third in line when I realized something. Oh my gosh. I'm reeeeeeally high up. I think I read somewhere that being high up and moving through water really fast does something bad to you. I shouldn't ride this. 

     I loudly said to myself something along the lines of, "OOPS. I FORGOT MY GOGGLES. I SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET THEM."

     Not wanting to show my cowardice, I slowly edged my way down the stairs, muttering excuses under my breath, in case anybody, heaven forbid, thought I was simply chickening out. 

     In the end, I think the crazy ugly kid with the bad hair-cut muttering things under his breath was a weirder sight than the whole chickening out thing.

3. Thinking Plastic Caused Diabetes

     I'm slightly tentative about telling this story, since I don't know if any of my former classmates will end up reading this at some point, but I think I'll tell it anyways.

     I'll be honest, in 5th grade, I still barely knew what diabetes was. I knew it was a disease, and that it could maybe kill you.

     In my fifth grade class, we had two pet guinea pigs. Everybody LOVED those things. Every one would take turns volunteering to take them home for the weekend, essentially 'pig sitting. It was awesome.

     While in 5th grade, I wore this ridiculously oversized orange jacket during the winter. Hey, it was warm. The ends of the sleeves had velcro straps to make it tighter, and the tips of the straps were rubber. 

     One day, I was holding one of the class guinea pigs, Patches, I think was his name. After he was put back in his cage, I noticed that a small part of one of the rubber tips of the straps had been nibbled very slightly. I checked seven times in a row to make sure I wasn't imagining things, and then I decided that Patches had definitely eaten part of my jacket.

     I showed a little concern at first, debating internally whether or not to tell the teacher what had happened. I decided that no harm had been done, and tucked away the information in my head.

     For a little while I was on edge, thinking that anytime some one talked about the animal away they would start throwing accusations at me. 

     Shortly afterward, Patches passed away. I'm probably wrong, but how I remember it, I was told he died of diabetes. I don't know if guinea pigs can even get diabetes, but I'll stick with that.

     I was shot with a tremendous amount of guilt. For the next year, I was completely convinced that Patches nibbling a tiny bit off of my jacket was the thing that had killed him. 

     

This Story Is Just Six Words Long

     I tend to make my posts lengthy, as compared to the random blogs I stumble upon. So, to balance this negative fact out, I came across the idea of doing the opposite: writing less.

     My favorite example of a six word story is as follows:

     For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.

     At first read through, these simple statements seem unremarkable. However, deeper underlying meanings can be drawn from it. One could assume that maybe a certain individual happens to have an unused pair of infant foot wear in a closet, or maybe some parents purchased the wrong size.

     The meaning I take away from this however, is a miscarriage. Most likely, a couple are anticipating their first child. Obviously, if they already purchased articles of clothing for their child, then they knew the gender. Going with that, if they knew the child's gender, the wife was along enough in her pregnancy for an ultrasound to be of any use. More than likely, the child passed in labor.

     If you had purchased baby shoes, don't you think you'd donate them or give them to some one else who needs them? In this case, the answer is no. They're selling the shoes, despite the small amount of money they could possibly fetch. This tells me that not only did their child pass away, but they're short on money, resorting to selling whatever items they can.

     There are more conclusions that can be drawn from that, I'm sure. I find it interesting that all of that came from six simple words. Almost poetic, if you think about it.

     After going through all of that, I'm feeling less confident about sharing my own six word story. But, I set out to do it, and I'll see it through to the end.

     Now, keep in mind that I am not a verbally gifted individual. I don't think of myself as having a way with words, regardless of how they're put. My six word story/memoir is definitely not going to contain as much depth as the one above. This is more difficult than I thought it would be, too. I decided to tell my life story in six words, and it's proving to be near impossible.

     "Moving doesn't bother me," I lied.

     That sounds pretty stupid.

     Let me try again.

     Body left, mind stayed. House divided.

     Bleck. Even worse.

     Alright, how about you just share your best six word stories in the comments? I think that sounds like a better idea. Good luck, brave commentators!

   

Piano Rant

     It seems to me that the piano players of the world are classified into just two (2) distinct categories: those who hate to play, and those who love to.

How Stories Should Be Told

True story, bro.

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List of Lists

     Last week it was requested that I do a list of lists.

     Here it is, "Anonymous."

5 Lists That I Would Like to Do

1. Things That Should Become Olympic Sports

     A couple things that would end up on here would be my dad's herculanean feat of grocery cart darts, and possibly marbles (done with bowling balls).

2. Ways To Get Thrown Out of Wal-Mart

     Truth be told, if I made this list, many of the items on it could most likely be found online already. However, it would be my favorite ways. For example, grab a plastic grocery sack, stuff a personal item in it, wave it over your head, and then run for the exit saying, "We got it!!! Run for it!!"

3. Weird Things That Are Inexplicably On My Bucket List

     No, none of the Wal-Mart things are on this list. A lot of it would be giving into my primal instinct of imitating the stupid things I've seen on YouTube.

4. Things You Can Do With a Book, Other Than Actually Reading It

     That would, indeed, be the name of the list. Also, it'd probably be illistrated, since I had quite a bit more fun than I predicted with the last one I did.

5. Stupid Things I Did When I Was Younger

     Who was the kid who tried to ride his bike off of some scrap wood on the side of a busy street? THIS one.

     You've been given a unique opportunity, this week. Instead of those horrid essay questions you got in High School, it's now multiple choice. You could simply choose one of the lists above, and I'd be more than happy to do it.