Friday, November 15, 2013

Life Hacks Around My House

As I've gone through life, I've realized that there are certain habits, facts, and tricks that I've picked up on that I use around the home. I give them to you now, should you ever decide to become a homeless ninja living in my cupboards.

1. The Popping

My mom has bad knees, and this fact is pretty self evident whenever she goes up or down the stairs. Her movements can easily be detected before hand by listening for the popcorn-popping sound (sadly, her appearance is rarely accompanied by the popcorn scent). If you don't want her to see you doing something (or to see you in the first place), simply listen for the noise and hide.

2. The Hair

For reasons difficult to understand, it seems that every morning when I go through the house getting ready for the day, one of my parents is sleeping on the couch. They have a good marriage, and so I don't think it's because of disputes. Maybe the bed isn't comfortable, or maybe the couch is just stuffed with heavenly hair.

Either way, there is a sure fire way to figure out who's on the couch without turning on very many lights. Look at the head. My dad has male pattern baldness, so his head is like a pale glowing peach, resting randomly on the sofa. My mom, however, does not have male pattern baldness, so it's pretty safe to assume that if the sleeper has a glowing scalp, it is not my mother.

3. The Noises

More specifically, the sleeping noises. In my family, four of the six people snore. When I say snore, I mean give birth through the nostrils to a family of rabid dinosaurs with gastronomical issues. If you walk through my home at night and don't hear one of my brothers, my sister, and both my parents making terrible farting-hibernating bear noises, then odds are they are not sound asleep. Proceed with caution with your nighttime escapade.

4. The Drunkenness 

If my mom was alive a few hundred years ago, she'd probably be accused of having lycanthropy. It seems that most every night, without fail, once 10:00 PM rolls around, my mom immediately transforms into a beast that cannot be communicated with, since she's stuck in a permanent state of giggling stupor. I've never seen someone who was drunk (I think), but I'm assuming how she reacts to everything is extremely similar. She doesn't actually ingest anything though, so no secret amount of alcohol was involved.

One time we were sitting on the couch, me totally into Doctor Who, and my mom dozing off. As soon as she finally nodded off, the clock just barely struck ten. As if we were in some kind of horror movie, she slowly sat up with a Joker-ish grin on her face, and simply began to laugh at my face.

What makes her episodes so much more funny to everyone who watched her be crazy is that she has no memory of the night before. She'll sometimes have whole conversations on the phone in her drunk state, and have no recollection of the event when questioned the following morning.

5. The Walking

I cannot in good conscience sit here and criticize my family when I have my own habits that I've had to learn about. Me and my sister, reportedly, are chronic sleep walkers.

The symptoms during the act are pretty similar; scrunched up eyes, moaning, saying random phrases, not finishing sentences, and scratching of arms. However, it seems that only I have ever actually done anything strange while I'm up at night.

I've walked out of the fifth-story hotel room, into the elevator, out the front doors, and into the car that my parents had forgotten to lock. Around 2 AM, I awoke in the back seat, and tried to get back into the locked hotel. It just so happened that the maid who had met my family earlier while coming in to clean our room was vacuuming the entrance, and because she recognized me, she let me in through the locked doors.

There you have it! Weird, unnecessary facts that you know about my family. Congratulations. Do something worth-while with them, like plan a robbery. Just let me know.

Good day.

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