Monday, July 29, 2013

Razor Rant

     I am not ashamed! I use an electric razor. Laugh, point, tease, throw quarters at my face, whatever you want, I don't care. Doesn't faze me. I use an electric razor.

     In the past two months, I've been in four different states. I spent five weeks in Arizona, one week in California with my grandparents, four days in Idaho, and now I've been in Utah for two weeks.

     You may or may not be asking yourself, “That's fine and dandy, sir. But what do these completely separate events have in common?”

     You probably aren't asking that question, but I'm going to answer it anyway.

     My razor has a charger, and somewhere in between those four states, the charger is playing hide-and-seek.


     It was slowly murdered as each usage drained the energy out of the device. This should be unsurprising, since I need to use it daily. However, the sudden departure of life from my faithful companion came as a sudden and painful shock.

     The after-effects have been equally painful.

     The reason it was used daily was because I have a freakishly fast rate of facial hair growth. I will be clean shaven in the morning, and by the end of the day, look like I have a dead hamster glued to my face.

     This is just in one day.

     I haven't shaved for FIVE DAYS.

     No instead of a single dead hamster, I have a whole family of them. AND their dog.

     This isn't the worst part. My facial hair has even more issues. There is an even, straight vertical-line dividing my chin. This isn't a drawn line, any form of handsome-cleft, or even fat folds. It's a line formed by the different lengths of my face hair.

     The fuzz on the right side is about half as long as the left. I already knew this due to the weird asymmetry of my wicked sweet side-burns, but it looks even more ridiculous now that I can't shave.

     No one else seems to have noticed this phenomenon, but my sandpaper facial features have been impossible to forget as I've gone through the past few days.

     The day where I get a replacement charger couldn't come soon enough.

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