Thursday, June 6, 2013


    Small children amaze me. Not in a gross way, you perverted pedophile. Their words and actions tend to carry a certain spirit around them, usually one of humor, creativity, and mortal terror.

     As I mentioned in my last post, I just flew down to Arizona to stay with some family for half the summer. My aunt with whom I am staying has three children, all under the age of four. There isn't anything wrong with that, but with these kids characteristics and autism, it makes for a lot entertainment.

     The youngest of the three is about 20 months (I think. I'm still trying to figure it out). This kid speaks less English than a native born African tribesman. Any noise he makes is likely to be farts or screams, but as of late, he creates a whole new noise altogether. To make an approximation, imagine Daniel Radcliffe (Chamber of Secrets age) was standing in front of you. Now, make your Daniel start to gargle some thick liquid, like corn syrup or olive oil. Next, throw in a bunch of cobras trying to make small-talk with him. Finally, have Dan respond in parsel tongue. Pretty strange, eh? This is serious. I can't think of a more accurate representation of this small child's vocal functions. To top this all off, he only whispers. Rarely will he make this nonhuman noise any louder than 15 decibels (for reference, a whisper is 20, rustling leaves is 10). This kid is also a ninja. I swear he can teleport.

     Please try to sympathize with me on this, so I don't feel so alone. You're sitting on a sofa, enthralled with your latest book, perhaps a novelization of some movie. A barely audible noise is heard to your left, comparable only to that reptile documentary you watched once. Ignorance is bliss, so you continue reading. You hear the sound again, only slightly louder. It's just my imagination, you tell yourself. More words consumed by your eyes. Again, the noise occurs, this time loud enough that you know something demonic in nature must have crawled inside your head. You turn... only to see this baby. Gurgling and hissing. Hissing. Please tell me in which culture a hissing baby is commonly accepted. Upon receiving information, I will gladly return this child to whatever pagan society it came from.

     Now, the other two kids actually speak our language. The middle kid speaks normal phrases, like "Gotta go potty," and "give me Cheetos." However, his absolute all-time favorite phrase is "no." He says no to everything. Even if he actually means yes. For example, my aunt was talking to him the other day.

     "*Nebuchadnezzar, do you want some ice cream?" (*Name may have been changed to protect identity.)
     Very fervently, "No!"
     "Oh, alright then."
     Child proceeds to get upset.
     "Why didn't you give me some?"
     "You said you didn't want any."
     "Yes I do, I said no!"

     This is just one of the many circumstances where mis-communication occurs. I thought he was kinda bad, until the oldest (the four year old) said a couple things.

     She came up to me and my aunt after just getting out of the bathroom. My aunt asked her if she was all done going, and the small person was all... "My vagina is gone."

     As I type this I still laugh. I don't know why it was so funny, maybe it's just because she's only four, or maybe it was because she kept going.

     "You're vagina is gone?"
     "Yeah, gone. And empty. My vagina is empty and gone, mom."

     My aunt's laughing, and I am too, albeit nervously. On the inside, I was just like

     Little kids.

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